Attachment styles refer to the ways in which people form and maintain emotional bonds with others, and are typically divided into categories such as secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful avoidant. These attachment styles are thought to develop in early infancy and childhood as a result of the quality of care, attention, and responsivity provided by primary caregivers.
Language is a key component of human social interaction, and it is thought that attachment styles may influence the way in which people are neurobiologically imprinted with, develop, interpret, and use language to connect with others.
The following is an excerpt from the book The Psychology of Totalitarianism by Mattias Desmet, as he describes how language is imprinted and learned from infancy. It is critical to understand the incredible impact of language within human interrelatedness and attachment.
“The physical aspect of speaking is of vital importance. During the first six months, babies learn to distinguish language sounds at an astonishing pace, but only while listening to someone who is physically present, a caregiver, and not an audio or video recording. Early language learning is inseparable from the physical presence of the ‘other’.
A child internalizes the mother’s body language and breathlessly fixates on the mother’s face, imitates the expressions that play on it, listens with the closest attention to the sounds she makes and even with its earliest sobbing and crying, echoes the melody and tones of her speech. This melodic synchronization takes place even before birth in the womb and after birth, a child further develops this primal resonance. This doesn’t happen haphazardly.
A child achieves a kind of symbiosis with the mother through its creative imitations of her sounds and facial expressions; in this way, it will feel what she feels. As a child takes on its mother’s happy expression, it also feels her joy; if it takes on her sad expression, it shares in her unhappiness.
Something similar applies to the exchange of sounds: In the clinking and clanging of the mother’s language trembles the well and woe of her being, and the child who imitates that language resonates with it on the same psychological wavelength. This early resonance between a child and its social environment leads to a unique phenomenon: The child’s body gets “loaded” with a series of vibrations and tensions that become embedded in the deepest and finest fibers of its body. They form a kind of “body memory” that not only programs the function of the musculature, glands, nerves, and organs, but also predisposes the child to certain psychological conditions, or disorders.
The human body is, in the most literal sense, a stringed instrument. The muscles that span the skeleton, and the body’s other fibers are put on a certain tension in early childhood through imitative language exchanges. This tension determines which social phenomena one will resonate; it determines the frequencies to which one will be sensitive in later life.
That’s why certain people and certain events can literally strike a chord; they touch the body and, as such, touch the soul. This subtle physical dimension of linguistic exchange remains important throughout life. While speaking, adults, like young children, constantly mirror the facial expressions and postures of the conversationalist without even realizing it. This happens through a kind of inner imitation, through slight and imperceptible increases in muscle tensions. No matter how subtle, this is enough to gauge, in an immeasurably short time span, the deeper layers of the other’s subjective experiencing - whether that person is in pain, feels sad or happy, is perhaps just pretending- and to mimic it.
People react incredibly quickly to one another during conversations. When people talk to one another, they sense each other very sharply because they perceive the slightest changes in intonation, voice timbre, facial expression, body position, rate of speech, and so on. Like flocking starlings, they form one organism. They are connected with one another through a psychic membrane that transfers the slighted ripple in body and soul. In every exchange of words, no matter how trivial, people show themselves to be perfect dance partners; they are subtly united through the eternal music of language. We make love more often than we realize.” Mattias Desmet, The Psychology of Totalitarianism
Now that we have a greater understanding of the power of language and our voice, Let’s take for example, individuals with an Avoidant attachment style may use language; or, certain words, sentence structure, body language, facial expressions, and phrases in ways that are more distant or detached.
They will use parts of speech, or phrases, and especially body language and facial expressions that avoid intimacy or vulnerability, and may be more likely to use "It" statements to talk about things in a more objective, intellectual, or factual manner which can be seen as a way to avoid expressing their own emotions.
They may also use a lot of "I" statements to talk about themselves but in a way that keeps them detached and not emotionally invested. They may also use a lot of "You" statements as a way to, again, avoid discussing their own feelings or experiences.
They will use words, body language, facial expression, or phrases to shut down communication, by being evasive, dismissive or non-responsive when others try to engage with them emotionally. They are less likely to use parts of speech that show empathy or validate others' emotions.
Avoidant individuals also have a tendency to use negative words or sarcasm, which can be hurtful, create barriers to communication and make it difficult for others to understand their true feelings. They may also use words or phrases in a combative, touchy or aggressive or unfriendly way to defend themselves, or to blame others, which can escalate conflicts and make it difficult to resolve issues.
Some examples of words or phrases that an individual with an avoidant attachment style might use include:
"It" statements, such as "It's fine" or "It doesn't matter" to express a sense of detachment or to avoid discussing something emotionally charged.
"I'm busy" or "I have to go" to avoid discussing thoughts and feelings or to shut down communication.
"I don't need anyone" or "I can take care of myself" to express a sense of independence or self-reliance, but also a sense of detachment from others.
"I don't want to talk about it" or "I don't want to deal with this" to avoid discussing thoughts and feelings or to shut down communication.
"I don't have time for this" or "I don't have time for you" or give the silent treatment, to express a lack of interest or to avoid discussing thoughts and feelings.
"I don't know" or "I'm not sure" to express uncertainty or to avoid expressing thoughts and feelings.
The context and tone in which words are used convey meaning and intent, and also play a role in how they are perceived by others.
It's important to note that these are general tendencies and that these are also just examples. Not every individual who has an avoidant attachment style will use language in a specific way. Other factors such as cultural background, personal experiences, and individual personality traits also play a significant role in language development, speech styles, interpretation, and expression.